Rumspringa

I'm writing a text that I really want to write and I know I can't move to another if I won't finish this. I also know it's so awkward way to do this kind of thing but I have to. I... I really don't know why. I just... It's just the way I'm feeling. Besides I want to give up it. I was like "It's so hard. It's so hard to do that". I mean... I'm up against the wall...